Managing pain

People from our past who we loved and no longer see and who haven't died
Have a superhuman glow
The sense memory is warm and sharp, dream-like, potent,
The memories conceal the coldness of the universe
the ticking clock
the silent TV flashing for company
the falling within the heart.

I catch myself
Talking to my past self
Trying to project back this hindsight
And I try to get quicker
At cutting this futile, imaginary conversation,
A conversation bringing terrible pain wrapped in comforting packaging.

No longer young
Still I can feel a hint of romance
A hint of soul for the world
All those lonely hours we spend
Before we are reminded of other vulvas and Starbucks.

To walk the floor of my happy past
Is an illusion
I give into in my sleep I guess.

Para One - You Too (2014 Club Mix)

Before I Go To Sainsbury's

Before I go to Sainsbury's I thought I'd write a little poem

I'm sad

I miss your laugh
And your hair
I miss our dreams
Our joy in the present
Our joyful future in front of us
I was yours
You were mine

I never thought I could love someone so much
It's not funny or clever or new
But it's true
I'm in pain
All the time
Trying to be positive

Come back
Hug me
I'll never let you go
I'll hold you
And I'll dance my silly dance
Whenever you want
As long as you want

I feel like my soul has left me

Is adulthood what happens when it becomes too painful to have dreams?

Some never get there

They are the blessed.

I feel like a shell, a husk

A soulless copy of someone who used to be

I keep myself distracted

Until I sleep

Try to avoid asking 'what happened?'

There's a road of thought that must now be avoided...

'I should have..'

'How did...?'

'Why...?'

Hand wringing and anguish

Then, worse, panic...

Maybe a state of mind is a psychic country

I have changed citizenship from something like Funland to ColdHardRealityland

In this psychic country, there are many who have been waiting for me

Some take pleasure at my fall

Others advise me how to cope

(Such as the road of thought that must now be avoided)

I know life can be joy

I remember

It's gone now

Maybe never to return

But I still have enough faith to believe it will

And in this 'poetry'

This simple act of creation

Undeniably made realer by the tool of cyberspace

I feel a warmth and a comfort

Like a fire in Siberia that keeps 10% of your body warm

Thanks, ghosts

Keep the faith

We'll raise glasses again one day.

I've Been Here Before..

..But now it is worse.

There's nothing to say
But I say it anyway
For something to do.

I lost
I'm falling
I keep hitting the ground
And falling again
And hitting the ground again.

If you are not lonely
And with someone you love
Let the love grow
Don't be scared of it
It will be your warm pathway to death.

I was too scared
So now my pathway is cold.

Things might change
But they might not.

Writing this shit helps.

Looks Like

Looks like
There's nothing much left to say
But fuck
And I know
And alright, stop it.

Fuck
I know
Alright, stop it.

When I was happy
I used to practise shutting up my superego.

A useful skill
Now that my ego and id
Are like trapped animals
Which can only be freed by a miracle.

When we were young we had so many dreams, the rooftop was a playground and a beer at 5am was a joy